The Port, The Wigs, The Heartbreak, and The Chemo
I have been dreading writing this post for some time now because the past two weeks have been the worst for me. So where do I even begin…
On Monday March 5th, I had my chemo chest port put in… I had been under the impression that I would be put under for this procedure as I was told it would most likely be similar to a twilight sleep or how when you get your wisdom teeth taken out. Well, I was wrong. I got to the pre-op room where I was told I would be receiving anti-anxiety medicine as well as pain medicine and I asked if that meant I would be asleep for the procedure and I was told no. The doctor proceeded to tell me that most of their patients (whom are all elder) sleep during it or ask if she has even started when she is actually finishing… she then said because of how young I am I would be more susceptible to pain but the only things I would feel would be the two shots put in for numbing my chest. I cried and I cried because who the heck wants to be awake when they are cutting into your chest. For those who don’t know what a chest port is, it is a plastic device that has almost a button looking inside where they place iv’s into it for me to receive my treatment. There is a catheter that is connected to the main vein leading to my heart, as that is the best way my body will take the chemo. During the surgery I not only was not asleep, but I felt every single thing they were doing. The two large “bee sting” shots was without a doubt the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. I was crying during the procedure because I was in so much pain and felt the doctor shove my port under my skin. The pain was unbearable. For almost a week after my surgery I could barely move my right side or do anything normal because the pain was excruciating. No amount of pain meds would help, it quite honestly was hell.
The next day, I met with a wig lady who cuts and designs wigs for cancer patients. My family and I found some really nice ones that I truly like online. So we had met with this woman and she cut and styled these was that I got to make them look more natural. It truly saddens me to see how much nice looking wigs cost because all women should feel beautiful and if wearing a wig will boost someones self confidence then gosh they should not cost an arm and a leg.. I think going through chemo and loosing our hair is enough of a punishment let alone having to pay SO much money just to want to feel comfortable in your own skin. I walked into that appointment pretty excited because I was so happy that I would get to have these wigs looking as normal as possible because as a 20 year old woman in the middle of her college years I want nothing more than to be normal, to feel pretty, to not have people look at me and feel bad for me. I know they say it’s not just what matters on the outside, but I can’t shake the thought of who is going to think I’m even pretty? I left that appointment angry and upset because I wasn’t leaving a normal hair appointment, I was leaving somewhere that I had to prepare myself that my hair is no longer going to be on my head and I have to wear a wig. It hurts and breaks my heart and I don’t think anyone can understand how devastating it is for a girl my age to have to go bald and feel ok that way, or at least I’m going to have to be.
To the boy who I loved with all of my heart for 3 years, he broke up with me the day before my chemo. I wish I could say I’m ok, but the truth is I’m not. I’m heartbroken, I’m sick over it, I cry endlessly because I wish more than anything that this wasn’t happening, especially now. I haven’t been a bundle of joy the past 3 weeks but who would be after being blindsided with the news you have cancer, have to leave the school you love, your closest friends, move back home with your parents, be poked almost everyday, and go through chemo and trying to accept losing your hair. He left me without looking back and without a care in the world and abandoned is an understatement. I would’ve moved mountains, taken a bullet, swam across oceans to make this boy happy and that just the thing he is a boy. I needed a man there for me through this. I needed him. He was my best friend and my everything, someone I truly needed during this process. But I no longer made him happy and that’s a decision I have to respect although I don’t want to accept it.
It’s hard for me now to feel like I’m worth it or worth it to anyone. Someone I gave my all and whole entire heart to left me when I needed him most and has made me feel not good enough. I mean hell, I’m still the same girl I was 4 weeks ago, I am just branded with the C word now and dealing with major depression now. I think I have handled being diagnosed the best way any 20 year old woman would, I have tried holding my head high and accepting that this is not permanent, but it doesn’t mean it’s not hard. I have my fair share of mental breakdowns, but that all comes with the territory of being thrown this curveball in life. You don’t give up on anyone you love or truly care about in a life changing moment like this. I have seen people I love walk out of my life when I need them most and it truly breaks me, but then there are strangers who shower me with love because they know and understand no one should have to go through what I am not now, not at any age. I have the upmost respect for the ones that text me every day and I don’t even get back to because I need a break from my phone sometimes, but they still every single day make sure I’m ok and remind me they love me.
Heartbreak is hard and it sure as hell should not be happening to me during a time like this, but God is really testing my strength right now. I know what I deserve and for someone I thought walked on water to give up on me and not look back just shows me how little of importance I was to someone I thought I wanted to marry. I’m crying just writing about this, but this is life and when it rains it pours.
I had chemo two days ago and man was that rough. I feel terrible for anyone who has to endure that. I was scared out of my mind and tried putting on a brave face and not cry… so I smiled through the pain. It took 5 hours and it was absolute hell. Yesterday I couldn’t turn over in my bed without crying (and I am one tough chica), couldn’t even stand the thought or smell of Chick Fil a, which is my favorite thing ever. Nothing sounded good, my tongue felt like the day after you burn it on something hot, but that was my entire tongue. I had body aches, I was nauseous, all I wanted to do was sleep and what’s sad was all I wanted to do was talk to my ex because he was the one person who no matter what always made me feel better but I couldn’t even do that because he won’t give me the time of day.
Yesterday and today I have to walk around my house with a cane because I can’t stand on my own. I can barely eat which I have been forcing myself to do, but it’s so hard to stay positive when nothing in your life seems good. I wish I understood why bad things happen to good people and all of this makes me question what did I do wrong? Am I a bad person? Is this karma? Is this God punishing me? But nothing makes sense. Nothing.
I wish nothing more than to go back to a month ago when life was simple and I was stressing to about tests, going out with my friends, trying not to slip in the snow on my way to class. Just back to being genuinely happy…I’ve watched my happiness slip from me during this, but not because I’m sad this is happening to me, but because of the people that have chosen to walk out of my life when I really need. I’m a tough girl, I’ve been through A LOT in life, but this is the time I can’t stand up on my own two feet and it’s like a constant rug being pulled from right under me by friends and loved ones who I thought would never leave my side. It shows peoples true colors during a time of crisis so I guess it is a blessing in disguise.
I have a heavy heart that will only take time to mend and I’ve conquered one round of chemo and now just 11 more. They say it takes about two weeks for your hair to start falling out after your first treatment so I’m enjoying these last few days while I can. Life is hard and really can kick your ass when you’re down, but Lord knows I’m going to be an amazing woman when this is all over and I can’t wait until the day that boy realizes he lost the best damn thing to walk into his life.