So I know it’s been a while since I last updated my blog and I think it’s because when I write about what’s going on in my life it makes everything all the more real…
I have just completed my 5th round of chemo and it was one of the hardest ones I’ve gone through. I had my PET scan done to see my first check up on the progress the chemo has made on the cancer. It came back that about 75% of my tumors have shrunk, but unfortunately the tumors aren’t all gone. My doctor told me that after 2 cycles the tumors should be all gone, but mine are not. Due to this I am now at an 80% cure rate, rather than 98%. I now have to undergo a more aggressive chemo to get rid of the resistant tumors.
I know people say I should be happy that the tumors have shrunk and believe me if anyone is over the moon about it (other than my parents) it’s me because chemo is hell. I went into that scan and appointment with my doctor full of hope that they were all gone. I talk to so many other girls undergoing the same thing and have seen them so happy that all of the cancer is gone and I just wanted that to be me more than anything. I know one day I will get to say they are gone, but no one will understand except me the devastation I felt hearing they aren’t all gone and are “resistant” and now I have to do a harder chemo. I mean how much more can one person handle, jeez.
I’ve been really struggling lately with coping with everything that is going on with me. I have put on a brave face and have done nothing but hold my ground and stay strong, but it never gets easier. I am all about fighting through and being the strong woman I know I am, but I’ve also realized it’s ok to not be ok. This is changing my life in so many positive ways such as changing my major at THE Ohio State University to become a pediatric oncologist social worker. A lot of people ask what is that and it is helping children and families learn to cope with cancer and how to go about life living with this awful disease. I make this look like a piece of cake, but it is without a doubt the hardest thing and no one should have to 1. suffer from this or 2. go through it alone. I’m so passionate about helping other people and I always have had a soft heart and cancer lead me to discover something I will always be passionate about. So yes, it is not impossible to make something great out of a terrible situation.
I have a heavy heart these days…. beside cancer taking over my life, I have been trying to mend my broken heart. With all the craziness happening, I pushed aside my feelings and didn’t want to acknowledge that my best friend/ex of 3 years is no longer in my life. There’s been a gap I’ve been trying to put back together day by day, but your first heartbreak is never easy, especially during a time like now. It makes you question your worth and so many other factors about yourself. So many “friends” of mine haven’t reached out to me or talk to me anymore now that I’ve been diagnosed and it just truly blows my mind that during tough times everyone’s true colors come out. I wouldn’t wish what I’m going through on my worst enemy and boy that should say a lot to how much this sucks. I have so many people supporting me it is unreal and it makes my heart so happy and I’m beyond grateful. Although I have an army of people supporting me, I don’t know why I feel more alone than ever.
Things haven’t been the best, but I’ll never stop fighting. I know there is light at the end of this dark tunnel. As my mom says, “this is just a small chapter in your life” and she couldn’t be more right. This chapter of my life has made me become the strong woman I doubted myself to be and I’m slowly but surely learning to love myself as a whole. I’m sad important people in my life have disappeared and people think because I act ok that I am, but you are the only one in control of your emotions so it is up to you to change the way you view and handle life. I’m ready for this dark time to be over, but at least I know in my heart I will never give up no matter what. God has a plan.